Abduction of DOOM!
by sarcasticrocker86
Summary: Dib is gone. Abducted by tall, dumb aliens and forced into hideous experiments and fusions. In desperation for someone to foil his plans, Zim turns to science. But can one experiment go hideously wrong? WARNING: Contains rabid Gir! May lead to TACOS!
1. Tall Does Not Equate to Smart

**A/N: **My first real attempt at humor. To be fair, the idea is not wholly mine. But I am the fine-tuner and novelizer of this lovely fic. This takes place directly after the episode "Abducted" in which Zim is abducted by another alien race that believes him to be human. After Zim finally escapes, the aliens give in and go after another Earth target: The Earth weasel (also known among us Zim fans as Dib). So, first chapter here now. Read and review, please. I'm a big fan of gaining perspective.

**Summary:** Dib is gone. Abducted by tall, dumb aliens and forced into hideous experiments and fusions. In desperation for someone to foil his plans, Zim turns to science. But can one experiment go hideously wrong? WARNING: Contains rabid Gir! May lead to TACOS!

* * *

Gaz sat back down on her porch, her GameBoy at her side. She been had trying to play her game for an hour now, but at the amount of failure she was having on the fifth level, she grew bored and finally remembered her brother again. Dib had been right here, beside her, just a short while ago, when the... giant baby... appeared in the aqua sky. There was a flash of green, and then Dib was gone, and the drooling child hovered away as obviously as it could possibly be.

Gaz was not one to fully focus on a one thing. Even with the truly important things, like her brother when he told her the Yeti was going to eat his liver and make Dib watch just the last week. Gaz was a purely passive being. Dib was an obsessive being. One month it was Bigfoot, next month it's the Sewer Alligator that was, apparently "popping out the ducts on the way to school whenever Dib crossed over them to make him trip and fall into the sewers for the monster to devour." And now it was aliens. Whether or not Dib was speaking the truth about Zim, she cared little. In fact, she believed it explained quite a bit, and her mind set at ease as boredom overcame any desire to take action. As always.

Now Gaz crossed her small arms, bringing a hand to shade her eyes as she stared up at the sky. If Dib wasn't home soon, she would claim right to the TV. And then Dib would lose his precious Mysterious Mysteries.

Realizing the meaning behind that thought, she pulled out her cell phone, texted something quickly, snickered just a little, and stormed back into the house. She had done all she cared enough to do.

* * *

"But I'm _telling_ you, my Tallest, they were stupid stupid _stupid!_"

"That's impossible, Zim! After all, they were t_all_! Nothing tall can be dumb!"

"That's right! Dumb things can't eat snacks! We eat snacks all the time! And we're not dumb! We're tall!"

Invader Zim's eye bulged. This conversation was going on too long. He worshiped The Tallests, of course, but this debate was quickly losing it's grip on reality. And he had had enough of the silliness for one day. He knew he still had duct tape plastered to his body _somewhere_ after the constant "fusions". Desperately, Zim tried to think of some way to hang up on The Tallests. He immediately felt ashamed for that thought. After all, The Tallests _never_ hung up on him!

A sharp _rip_ came from the back of Zim's head. He cried out and whirled around. Gir greeted him and waved the accused piece of duct tape in Zim's face. "I found cheeeeeeese!" Gir cried.

"Gir, that's not chee_— WHAT ARE YOU DOING! _Don't eat that! Uh, umm, I'll call you back, my Tallests!"

* * *

The screen fell to static on the Irken ship. The Tallests stared at it blankly, the silence dwindling like the donut's stench after The Tallests had found it under Purple's throne after months of rotting. Silence like all of the planets they had conquered after obliterating them. This is all to say, it was very, very quiet.

Finally, Red spoke. "Hey!" he said. He looked at Purple. "Did Zim just hang up on us?"

"Of course not," Purple replied, still staring at the screen, "We're The Tallests. We do not get hung up on."

"Actually, sir," a small voice piped up from the Irken communication specialists surrounding the room. One small alien had turned from his glowing computer screen. "He really did hang up."

For a moment, there were no words. Then Purple said suddenly, "Seize that one. And, er, shoot him out of our canons in the next attack for questioning the Almighty Tallests."

As the poor soul was lead away, screaming, Red whispered to Purple. "This is the fifth one today we've ordered to be used as ammunition for questioning us. We need a new excuse this time."

Purple stared. "Why?"

"...Because it's _boring_."

Purple mulled over this thought for a moment, then finally nodded. "That makes sense," he finally said.

"I've got one!" Red exclaimed. "We have a new height requirement! You! Small person!" Red snapped a finger at a guard. "How tall was that guy?"

The guard fumbled with his spear for a moment. "I'm not really sure, My Tallests. I didn't really get a look..."

"Tell me how tall he was or I'll have your family work as Food Drones for the rest of their existence!"

"Um, well, if I had to guess... 3' 4"?

"Good! Then our newest height requirement will be 3' 5"!" Purple looked around the room. "You, you, and you: Away!"

As they were led out, one cried out, "But I'm 3' 5" and a haaaaalf!"

"You dare question The Tallests guestimations!" Red said. "Then _your_ canon shall be extra burn-y!"

Soon the accused were led away, and The Tallests stood proudly. "Well," Purple announced. "I think we've done our Tall duties. Let's have some nachos!"

"Sir," a new replacement on the computers called. "You have a new transmission!"

"Hey, look!" Purple pointed toward the replacement. "We've got more ammunition!"

* * *

Dib ran his hands through the smooth, transparent prison he was trapped in. This was bad. He had no idea where he was and no clue how he had gotten here. His head throbbed. If this was Zim's doing, there would be some very sensitive pictures that would make it onto his Swollen Eyeball blog once he escaped from this place. He giggled to himself as he remembered Zim giving MiniMoose a bath. Maybe it wasn't Crop Circles Monthly worthy, but it would still be enough to give Zim a run for his money.

Dib sighed away from the pleasant thoughts now. He couldn't remember anything after the cereal wrestle this morning with Gaz over the last bit of Count Coco Fang Crunchies. Fine. He would just wait. After all, he had his camera with him He could always record any interesting sites and sounds. He glanced around. This certainly didn't look like any of the Irken technology he had seen before...

Suddenly, his pocket buzzed. Dib pulled out his video phone and watched the text pop up.

_You'd better get home soon. I'm going to tape over your Mysterious Mysteries recordings if you don't hurry..._

"What! Gaz, no! I haven't watched them all yet!"

Dib looked at his imprisonment with a new light. His eyes widened in horror. "Noooooooo!"

Somewhere, two figures heard the cry of the boy. One shadow looked over to the other and grinned evilly. "The weasel is ready for fusion..."

"So he is," the other mused. He took a sip of something. "I know just what our other specimen we'll use will be." He raised the object in his hands high.

"The Earth Suckmonkeys!"


	2. Laser SMEXINESS

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews and favorites last time around! I really hope not to disappoint this chapter. Review blah dee blah blah.

* * *

Dib tried to calm himself down. It wasn't like this was his first abduction. Yet, as the man-sized test tube zipped through the massive, un-Irken ship, he admitted he was a little nervous. Even with Zim, there was no mystery behind the captivity. Zim would either spend his time laughing and trying out really bad jokes while Dib was strapped to a cold metal table, or his failed robot dog would perform dances for him with MiniMoose. It was all ridiculous, really, but at least it was better than just sitting here, waiting.

These aliens must be good. Dib tried to mull over that idea. A good invader. Gaz had once told him herself that there should never be too much worry about Zim's plans, because "he's more likely to use his latest laser gun on himself from pointing it at the mirror than to actually conquer the planet with it." But these enemies, they appeared to actually know what they're doing, while Zim usually just made things up as he went along.

As the tube began to slow, he began to feel his heart pound.

What kind of things awaited him?

* * *

Invader Zim cackled sinisterly to himself. With this new laser gun at his disposal, he would turn Dib to ash. He ignored Gir's happy sounds as he munched on a roll of duct tape_—_er, "cheese."

"Master, look! The cheese loves me! He wants to be with me FOREVER!" Gir waved the duct tape roll in Zim's face as the invader sat huddled over his working area.

"Not now, Gir. Can't you see I'm doing some SINISTER?" Zim emphasized the last word, feeling proud of his deviousness.

"But the cheese wants to love you, too!" Gir began smacking the side of Zim's green face to get his attention.

"No, Gir. Never. I will never love that cheese," Zim muttered angrily as he tried to fit the last piece on. "Grrr, why won't it fit!"

Gir, feeling fully discounted by now, began to wail as he continued to smack Zim. Try as he might, the fuming Zim found that the could neither ignore the blundered SIR unit, nor fit the last piece of the laser pistol. Raging now, he turned to Gir to yell more, but, with Gir still smacking him mercilessly, the roll of duct tape smacked Zim in the eyes.

"GAH! Giiiirr! Get it off! GETITOFF!"

"I told you it would love you!" Gir cried happily.

"IT'S SINKING INTO MY EYES SOCKET! GIR! HELP ME!"

Gir, promptly feeling bored, decided it was a good time for waffles.

* * *

Dib watched the two silhouette approach his clear prison. His heart pounded when he saw they're claws for hands, their round eys, and their smooth faces. They were tall and daunting, and they smiled evilly at him.

"Who-who are you?" the small boy managed. These were the picture of the aliens everyone always imagined in fear. Almost sickly thin, they're eyes were expressionless.

"We are your worst nightmares, weasel!" one said in a shrill voice. "Do not attempt to resist us!" the lights flickered on and off sickeningly. The other alien howled as the light appeared and disappeared.

"Now, begin the fusion..." the one said ominously.

"No! I'm too young to be fused! Nooooo_—_waitaminute, is that DUCT TAPE?"

* * *

"Gir! Come here!

Gir, who had been happily watching the Crazy Monkey Show, reluctantly stood and walked over to where Zim was staring at himself in the mirror.

"Gir!" he called again. "Get over here before I replace you with MiniMoose and use you for spare parts!" Zim mumbled, "Although I doubt even _those_ will be helpful."

"But I'm right here!" Gir objected joyfully. He was so proud of himself when he obeyed his master.

"Oh," Zim pulled on of the eye patches. "So you are." He slapped it back down. "Gir! I need to know how I look with this gun. I've heard the humans tossing the word 'smexy' around recently, and I've concluded it is a very bad thing. So tell me, Gir. Do I look smexy?"

Gir cocked his metal head, formed picture frames with his hands, and gave a good, long look at Zim. "Yep!" he finally concluded. He gave a thumbs up.

"Good! Alright then, I think I am ready to send FEAR and DOOM into the hearts of the humans." Zim, stomping proudly, made his way to the door. After a failed attempt of not exiting through the door but rather slamming himself into a wall, he succeeded the second time and called out to the world, "Fear me, all who question my authority! For I am SMEXY! None can conquer my smexiness! Not even _meat_!" before slamming the door behind him.

Gir decided it was the best time to do one of his favorite hobbies, and that was staring at the door.

Good times, Gir thought cheerfully.

* * *

Gaz was extremely annoyed. Why did the cow's head have to have that shape? She growled. Maybe what she needed was to cut off that head in her picture. It would end it's misery, anyway. Better have it killed now than steroid pumped and slaughtered for McMeaties or Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Mmm, Gaz licked her lips. Bloaty's Pizza Hog...

By the time her father returned home from the month of sleeping in his office, Gaz's cow looked more like a Pepperoni Pizza.

"Hello, umm..." Dr. Membrane checked his pocket book. "...Gaz. Where's your um... brother?"

Gaz rolled her eyes. One day she was going to hire replacement children to see if her father noticed the difference. She looked at him as he stared at the TV, then sighed. Probably wouldn't even skip a beat. "He's out," she replied plainly.

"Oh. Alright. Want to order some pizza?"

Gaz couldn't say yes faster.

* * *

Zim interrupted Gir's door watching by trapezing in, storming furiously. "Gir!" he called, not at all pleased.

"Master, look!" Gir pointed at the door happily. "The door opened!'

Zim stared for a moment. "I know that, Gir. It was _I,_" he emphasized himself loudly, "who opened the door. And I am not happy with you, you pathetic excuse for a smexy-radar. I'll have you know not one person concluded that I was 'smexy' in the slightest, and a group of teenage girls laughed at me! Why, I didn't even have a chance to test out my laser. What is the point of a laser if you cannot look smexy with it? Gir, how dare you fail me! Again! Just for that I'm going to... uh... I really don't have much I can do that would put you into too much of a disposition at all, do I?"

Gir shook his head in his ever-gleeful way.

"Well, fine, then. I'm going to stare at myself in the mirror some more. 'Cause apparently that's what you do when you want to be smexy, as a strange earthmonkey with green hair told me."

With that, Zim stalked off, and Gir continued starting at the door.

Unfortunately, now that the door's presence had been disturbed, there was no way he would be able to fully focus on it now. With a cry of a banshee, Gir jumped up and ran toward th bathroom, where Zim was currently trying out different poses.

"I LOVE MASTERMOMMIES!" Gir screamed as he leaped onto Zim's head. Out of reflex, Zim pulled the trigger while still facing the mirror.

As it turned out, Gaz had been right. Zim was much more likely to shoot himself then to actually use it on the actual enemy.


	3. Rubber Pigs and Dirt Tacos

**A/N: **Thank you reviewers! My anonymous and signed alike. I am truly sorry for the long wait. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

Today, Zim decided it would be a good time to try out Gir's staring game, only Zim chose a different object to eye.

Be in mind, Zim had not woken up thinking it would be a good day to uselessly glare at his SIR unit, but Gir, himself, had chosen this morning to be one to be _completely_ incompetent.

"Gir!" Zim called for the dozenth time. Gir continued to roll around with his rubber Piggy. That stupid rubber Piggy. He should have gone on a conquest for all of the rubber Piggies in the world when he was using his time-space teleporter. But no, he simply settled with Gir's stash. How could he have not realized Gir would simply find MORE of the cursed things?

"Gir!" he tried again. Still the robot refused to acknowledge him. Zim put his chin out and huffed over to the refrigerator, making obvious stomping noises for dramatic effect.

"Gir! If you don't pay attention to me RIGHT now, I'm going to tear up your waffles. You will NEVER eat another waffle for as long as I am alive to keep them away from you, and in my New World Order waffles will be banned forever in three, two, one..."

"Master! I'm here! I'm here!" Gir gave a muffled sob inside his costume. "Please don't make my waffle sad..."

"Fine, Gir," Zim said, feeling uncomfortable with Gir's tears. He "Just listen to me."

Gir made a salute with his hand. "Gir," Zim announced, "due to the freakish burns the laser has formed on my face, I have been focusing the past two weeks on creating a new skin graft. You may have noticed my absence, Gir, in between your trips to Peru and Iceland with those female earthmonkeys you call your friends."

"MY FANGIRLS!" Gir corrected.

"Yes, yes, you with your made up words," Zim rolled his eyes. "Now, this skin graft is truly AMAZING," Zim emphasized the last word in a low voice. "I'm thinking I'll use it to make you some sort of new disguise." Zim stared down at his robot dog's zipper sticking widely out. "And maybe even work on your AI a little more. So, we're going to go to the Crazy Taco and get you anything you need to stay calm so that I can_—"_

Zim got no further. Gir began to throw a fit of happiness, hugging tightly his rubber piggy. Zim thought to himself that it was a good thing that the pig was rubber as he watched it being hugged rolled around with. A barely distinguishable_oink!_ made him stop short and look further at the "rubber" pig. "Gir..." Zim started to say, but the robot was still in such a throw of ecstasy that Zim decided it was pointless to even try to reason with him.

"Let's go, Gir."

* * *

Dib sat in the dark, utter loneliness of his prison twitching. That had been... horrible. Frightening.. and awful.

The Suckmonkey was stuck unceremoniously on his unusually large head and completely outside of Dib's reach. It's cold condensation slid down his face almost like tears.

Dib felt so very alone. It was not the alone he was used to. He wasn't on the outside looking in, he was on the outside without any kind of window.

How long had he been trapped in this prison now? It seemed only a few hours... Yet in his mind, he felt a very different expanse of time.

But Dib stood. He had to get back home. No telling what Zim was planning. Maybe he had even hired these... unconventionally goons to get rid of him. Well, it wasn't going to happen! Dib was getting out of this dump, and there was nothing Zim or these guys could do about it.

Now, he just needed some way out of this place...

* * *

"Hmm..." Zim stared at the Dib human's house for a moment.

"Gir!" he called ahead. "Come here."

Gir, eyes bulging in his dog costume, hurried over the wigged alien. "When's we gonna get me tacos, Master?"

"Gir, have you seen the filthy pig boy recently? He has been an absent thorn in my side for weeks now."

Gir shook his head wildly. "Nope! Can we get my tacos now?"

"No? But that doesn't make any sense. He is always here... Where could he have gone?"

"MASTER!" Gir tugged on Zim's sleeve.

"Hmm. He must be planning something. Come on, Gir. We are going to pay a visit to our little monkey friends."

Zim stepped towards the house deliberately, goose-stomping in his little alien way, chin pointed out in determination, mouth set in a firm pout. Invader Zim was on a mission. He was going to discover Dib's little human-monkey scheme, and then he was going to first, stop it, and then use it against him. An eye for an eye was a phrase Zim actually liked from the Earthenoids. He would do exactly what was meant to be done to him.

If Dib wanted to plant a spy bug in his base, Zim would have the big-headed boy's house INFECTED!

If Dib wanted to blow up his spce ship, Zim would blow up the WORLD!

And if he wanted to make tacos out of dirt and wood, he would... he would...

Wait a moment.

"Gir!" Zim turned to snatch the "taco" from the robot before he could take a bite. "No, Gir! Dirt bad! Now come on, we're going to see just what is so intensely sinister that the Dib has been out of contact for weeks."

And, once again, free from Zim's realization, Zim began playing a game without realizing it.

Of course, he also had no idea this game would be much more detrimental to his health than even his robot dog.


End file.
